One time, early on in my book blogging saga, I received a poorly-written query from an author, let us call him MF, who addressed me as "Dear Editor". I wrote back -- admittedly, somewhat snarkily -- and suggested that next time, MF might find out my name and use it rather than spam me with a form letter. Then I got this reply:
oh, dear, the anal-retentiveness has been awakened; the narcissism and the pomposity is too much. I have been reviewed all over the world by better and more expoxied reviewers than yourself. As a practicing psychotherapist you have more than issues, my dear, inflated sir. Do not respond as I will delete your email; that you would spend so much time crafting a response like yours reveals how little is going on in your life. You are not only an aberration but a self-important prig, a remnant of the 19th century.
I did not write back. It didn't matter; MF is a little notorious for spamming book bloggers and he queried me several more times both through email and through my blog. I don't know why he'd keep writing to a narcissistic, anal-retentive, pompous un-expoxied, inflated, self-important, aberrant, 19th-century prig, but there you have it.
I got another email this week -- two, actually -- from an author whom I'll call TR. This is the content of TR's first email to me:
I had a near death experince 9 months ago. As a result I reached nirvana. The buddhists suggest I am teh buddha of teh age but I assure them I am simply heimdall.
In the last 5 months I have written and published 5 books and I have determined to write ininfite books and everplain everything there is to explain in all of existence and I do it rather swiftly.
Now here is where you come in.
[amazon link redacted]
That is the link to the first fouth books.
I will attach the 2,3,4th volume in this main in PDF format becasue I am looking for a harsh critic.
I do not want you to be biased because you had to pay for the books. I am sending them to you freely so that you will be unbiased in your judgement of them. I am looking forward to hearing what you have to say about my books, sunshine.
Thank you for your compassion and understanding,
And this is the content of his follow-up (sent 20 minutes later):
If you hate volume 2,3 & 4 you are going to love volume 5 & 6
Attempt to keep this comment in your mind written by freud as you read.
"Neurosis is the inability to tolerate ambiguity."
Thats a nice way of saying, if you hate my books it is becasue subconsiously you love them.
I would like to point out that this author's email display name was "Me". Do you know how odd it is to get mail from "Me" that you haven't yourself sent? It is truly bizarre (as is the rest of this pitch).
I don't even know where to start. There's the poor spelling, the linkening of oneself to a Norse god, the unsanctioned nickname, five books in five months (hello, iUniverse! Thanks for making publishing a joke industry!), the misunderstanding of some irrelevant Freud, the audacity of claiming that you'll write infinite books in order to explain everything ever ... this is a mess. The kicker, though, is the last line of the second email: "if you hate my books it is because subconsciously you love them."
Ladies and gentlemen, this is called denial. This means that even if you are asking for a harsh critic, you are going to have your hands on your ears and be yelling -- LALALA YOU ACTUALLY LOVE ME -- when harsh criticism comes. Up to this point I was almost interested, despite the trainwreck factor of it all.
I hasten to assure you all that yes, it is possible to successfully pitch to a blogger or reviewer. Authors and publicists do it all of the time. Would you like to do this too? Here are some hints:
- Learn to spell. Or at least to use spellcheck, for the love of pete.
- Include a teaser or blurb, like on the back of a book.
- Ideally, include a writing sample as well.
- Do not give the reviewer you're querying an unsolicited nickname, sunshine.
- Show that you know who you're pitching too -- use their name, and be demonstrably familiar with what they like (ie, don't send a YA novel to a blog that only reviews nonfiction).
- If your pitch makes the person you're contacting afraid to give you her address, you're probably doing it wrong. Don't be these guys.